omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
