He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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