Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
