a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
