She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
