I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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