I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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