So drunk its hurt
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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