We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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