Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
