When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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