he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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