Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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