Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
