So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
