She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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