Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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