My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
