i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i just made my gag reflex go away.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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