well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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