Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
