Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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