I wish I could teleport
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
