someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
