Tell her she can't have a vagina
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
