i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
