I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
