did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
