everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
