I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
