John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I am naked and annoyed.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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