I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
