the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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