I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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