Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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