Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just gift wrapped bread.
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
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Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.