I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
