So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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