I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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