Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
