3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I have already put on my inside pants.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
