I don't remember. Are we still dating?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
