Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
