i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
