its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
