You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
