Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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