my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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