dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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