she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
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The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
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We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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