Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
