I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
