I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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