Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
