Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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