the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
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