when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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