She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
